I haven't written, seriously, in a long while. Often, when that is the case, it is because there is SO much going on... that in fact, it's oft better I simply sit back and not publicize all the details of such, let alone any of my momental/random thoughts during the processes. However, I also believe in being real. And I've allowed lies to permeate my life and the "perceived reality" of it for the last 3+ years. no more.
I'm done. I'm done lying... I'm done hiding that... I'm done having to pretend that "everything's great". While that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm "not ok" with people... or even holding on to grudges, sowing bitterness, or anything of the sort. What it means is that as healed as I can be in specific/direct terms, I will continue to pang... twinge... ache... burn... and simply stir, as I'm consistent smacked with the realization that folks I love, deeply... are NOT ok!
It's in realizing that I can't do anything about it that I find my most difficult hurdle. I'm a fixer, a problem-solver. I am pro-active, justice-oriented even. I don't believe that avoidance, or idle standing by, serves anyone. So... even with insight/wisdom to see that it's not currently my place, let alone even feasible... is beyond stretching for me. *stretched like salt water taffy, over and over again!*
God is all I can lean on at this point. And while I feel justified, even righteously able, to stomp my feet and demand the "look at me"... "fix me"... "I'm worth the attention/effort/stress/bleh/stink!" I know that there are many more things going on in the lives of everyone else around me.
Balance. Ah yes, balance: the word/concept God has been bonking into my brain all year *looking up* 'yup, I hear Ya!'
Lord, let me know when I can purge... and see when it's my turn to sow pime, and offer what little You've planted in me for everyone else.
I care about all of you SO much... and as much as I want my life all wrapped up (in a pretty pink bow) and pretty again, I pray, desperately, for you all to be walking in His Purpose & Plans for your life. I want nothing more, and nothing LESS!
