I am such a wreck...
I really honestly, have a hard time staying above the surface & creating this facade of okayness; just so folks won't find out the unraveling going on underneath. The strange part is, I don't even know where it all began. Most of it is in fact even unrelated to each other at first glance. But you throw it all into the same brain, let it stew for days & weeks on end & you get this. CRASH!
Me, actually having to call my closest friend and clarify, "In case I haven't made it clear: I'm not okay. There are a lot of things going on in & around my life that are undealable for me right now..." Because most likely, even though I've thought for weeks that duh, 'he knows I'm not okay, he just doesn't have the time to deal with it himself'. That's most likely not the scenario. (At least at present that's what I'm choosing to believe for myself [& him.]) He's probably oblivious to my ever so subtle & slight attempts to show my needs, all the while doing his own self-maintenance & wondering why I won't just let him be to do so.
So, instead I fall apart over persceptions, create unneeded turmoil, & leave a sour taste in his mouth in regards to me... once again. Further proving to him that he's got a heavy load on his hands, hard to shake & even less appealing to recall fondly. Lord, help me be who I really am & not this bundle of emotions sans explanation.
