wow... i've been on the verge of this entry for a few days now. little did i think anything in particular would actually trigger it other than my own silly mind thinking & re-thinking things, over & over & over again! alas, one can only plan for so much... or they'd simply wilt at the mere thought of what's to come!
how is it that one can be seemingly surrounded by family, friends, fun... love. yet know/feel in their heart of hearts that they are truly alone!? that that very 'surrounding' only goes so far... push comes to shove; once you're no longer a novelty, when something better rolls around, or even once you've served your enlightening/enriching purpose... you become descartable. it's amazing how quick people can turn cold, almost careless, cocky, and even contemptuous!
Lord, let me not fall victim to such painful separations again! I can't handle it anymore! I can hardly trust what few people are left in my life... I can't imagine how hardened I might become under more grueling circumstances *can't see keys anymore, wiping eyes*
I don't like second, triple, quadruple guessing any and every interaction I have with people. In fact, I've even become a hugely vocal advocate against the same behavior observed in others. Yet I find myself doing just that! I can't seem to just sit back and trust that my experiences & interactions with people are as genuine as they ought to be. I'm constantly convincing myself that I've only created these mass illusions of happiness in my life and it'll soon come crumbling down with the rest of everything around me! I can't just jump for joy without junk jumping on me only moments later.
I've always prided myself on my insane ability to 'read' people... and now perhaps i'm 'read'ing too much... over analyzing everything, taking things personally, when they are most likely not pertaining to me in the slightest... *reminding self, almost screaming, "The world does not revolve around amancay!"*
I just want to curl up and sleep... except we all know how well that's worked for me lately *looking around for Riley Armstrong, who is surely hanging on the sidelines, ready to sing the anthem of late, "Sleep"* On a brighter note [unless you're one of those nazis who get on me... all worried like]: I'm not munching! [read: I can't eat]
Praise God for pets who don't feel the need to offer up advice... don't get this dreadfully dragging burden... but they're there, all snuggly & soft... and meowing coyly as you quietly shower them with your tears!
