I meant what I said, & I said what I meant... so there's no going back on your end of the bargain now! *raised eyebrows, trying to instill as much fear as the 'good ole days of Creation gone past'*
reclaiming my blog and my thoughts feels so rejuvenating at this point! *giddy shake, edging on an hbw* I'm finding it greatly ironic that "Dare You To Move" is currently playing!
wow, what a work up, for simply my thoughts and frustrations... (sorry for being such a poor virtual hostess lately, all gloomy and wordless!)
here's the deal: I'm being told (without so much as an explanation other than, "boundaries...") that I can't communicate with someone[s] I care about greatly (for that matter, who don't I care about that extensively... ok maybe there are some 'joe-blow's out there that wouldn't put as much of a cork in my screw... but you know what I mean!) In fact, it was such a huge and blatant blow that I'm actually almost deathly afraid of over stepping any perceived "boundary" since set.
Leaving me in a gihugic world of seeming silence... 'HeavenForbid™ anything I post possibly seem directed at them!', 'what if they think I've got spies?', 'who's idea was this?', & a myriad of other thoughts that sincerely have no place/home in my head.
Queen o' communication that I am, it makes no sense to me to leave someone completely in the dark as to what 'the rules of the game' are! Makes for a real nasty/unfair game. *shrug*
I've been playing it as well as I can, holding onto my urges to run the streets screaming while I tear off my clothes in desperation, but my rope is nearing it's fray as I recklessly careen down it.
Today was good... give me a couple [somewhat distracting] days of great involvement in things entirely outside of this all, and I'm treading water like an amancay is known to do *"More Then Fine" woos me to believe just that!* I wrapped up a week's worth of treacherous work in spreadsheets, sending off stats to our funders, and decided to give myself a deserved break bouncing to the board. Only to soon find myself staring at a looming (only getting larger and emptier) blank box where I was supposed to put my written response to things posted. However, instead of the usual flowing words, the only thing that came to me were floods of tears...
Quick to try and cover my butt/pull myself together, I headed out the door running necessary errands for the day & giving myself a [few] moment[s].
As I waited in line to deposit my checks at the bank, reality and sharp words penetrated my core once again;
"I'm not alright I haven't been myself lately
I'm not ok with the way I've let my thoughts overtake
take me away to the place I should have gone
I hope I'm not here for long
I'll see you when I'm dancing better"John Reuben
that uncontrollable sobbing began and I didn't know where to run... handed my checks through the window, quickly looking the other way & closing my window until the receipt was ready, driving away faster than imaginable.
Don't get me wrong... I love the forum... I love everyone on it... and I love the stuff people throw out there to share (their hearts, hopes, dreams, jokes, and simple chatter) I'm just at a loss as to how to handle it when I'm deathly afraid to even post/respond when particulars are involved in the conversation/thread. Do I pretend everything's normal and act all 'hunky-dory, here's my shot'? Do I ignore it and only look at things that exclude my ban? Do I sit back and eat myself alive as none of this is adequately addressed for my festering mind?
The last thing I want is another huge disbandment of the place over such trivalties... just when the place is hopping mr. satanás has to pounce in with his gross behavior and stir up dissension *furrowing brow with fervor* My greatest desire is to maintain an atmosphere of love, accountability, and genuine communication... open first and foremost to those I care about and want to keep in my life. *shaking head* I just don't know how that looks right now...
I'm babbling at this point!
I just had to say something, somewhere, to someone about how loverly and seriously happy & exciting, and just thrilling it was to see activity, joy, and all that return in full force... wow I'm hard to understand!
this officially concludes my exclusively irritated, simply getting words off my chest/out my fingers, entry.
we now return to your regular programming. good night!
...enough already!
