I never realized how much I let myself be guided by my own fears of what others might think or be thinking. As I step out into this fast I am finding that the hardest issue for me is the constant, 'How do I tell them?', 'What will they think?', and, last but not least, the ever nagging 'They're going to think I'm doing this for the wrong reasons...' that goes on inside my own dang head!
Two majors jumped out at me today: my dad's back from Argentina *small twinge of jealousy lingers* and they invited us [children] over for dinner, then Dawn reminded me of today's "family" Thanksgiving (talk about stomach pangs!)
I had talked to my dad briefly the night before, when he called on the phone, without going into sordid details. I merely explained that I wasn't eating solids, but I'd love to join them. So I was expecting a bit of investigation to occur during the visit. Just before I went there he called me, saying they didn't have any non-chunked soups in the kitchen. I had found the same quandary in my kitchen, so I simply stopped by Rosauer's and stocked up on some healthy-smealthy organic soups (and protein drinks).
They sat down to empanadas a la Carol (she did something different, I didn't pay too close attention to the details since I wasn't about to consume the goods) and I had a mean bowl of creamy tomato. It's always nice to spend time with family, however brief and irregular it may be. We got to chat a bit, and even linger after dinner, before Josh and Heidi had to head out. Dad and Carol were dozing off soon after, so I took my cue.
I actually stopped in at the Rand's before going to my dad's (for almost an hour) as they began to gather earlier. Since I was heading over to my dad's for dinner major inquisition was avoided. After things tied up at home I drove by Dawn's house to see if the party was still afloat. duh! I walked in, sat down, and found that they were just about to begin the fun. We played Wit's End in various teams and had a riot of a time!
I guess what I'm dealing with is the "people pleasing" thing, the thing that Eric saw taken off of me a few wednesdays ago. I know it's not mine. I know I don't have to run around worrying about what other's think of me. I'm free to simply follow God's command and path for me, without fear and condemnation. Maybe it's simply my own recognition of the fact that I have been on hiatus from everyone and everything (including my own self), making me almost a stranger in their eyes... making me a stranger in familiar surroundings... making me mystery to even myself.
Maybe that's what I'm after: myself and my purpose, design, placement?
