lily of the valley: December 14, 1999

« December 13, 1999 | January 9, 2000 »

(age: 22 years, 20 days, 17 hours, 56 minutes)
[history: 2003... 1990... ]

Tuesday December 14, 1999

14/XII/99 - disappointing

Amazingly enough, this girl won't give me permission to quote what she wrote here. That's extremely unfortunate since what she's most upset about is that she feels misrepresented by my words. I can't even begin to try and explain all that she's said, that's why I think direct quoting would best suit the situation. It's too bad really, she had some good stuff to say! I'm still going to keep her rebuttle, incase she ever changes her mind about the whole thing!

On a brighter note: Mo is constantly mentioning her wish list in her journal and the other day she asked who else out there had a journal and wish list... and wasn't getting responses. To make a long story short, she e-mailed me today, talking of what she was enlightened to by my site and how she brightened up my wish list! Woo Hoo! Thanks Mo! Isn't that just the bomb. Seriously, if I could afford it, I'd go brighten a bunch of people's days via the wish list. But I can barely afford to finish my must-get-family list of presents this year... it's been a bumble for sure!

Well, since she never responded with any resolution at all... and her rant is still on her homepage I'm going to release my response! So here go her inspirited thoughts!

there's more where that came from...

Ok bypassing the usual I would like to take this time to rant!!!!

Well, you certainly have a right to do that now don't you, that is after all what I was doing, isn't it?

Ok. So there is a certain girl, whom I will not name, who is kind of bashing me on her homepage. Um yea, besides the fact that it is not nice to say mean things about anyone, especially people you don't understand and who can't stand you, I really resent the fact that they did it in the first place. But...well I think this deserves a rebuff. I would like to say that I resent the fact that anyone would write about me without my consent on the internet.

Hate to do it, but I must interupt here to note that we are talking about the internet here, a place where freedom of speech runs true (or should at least!) You only visit sites you choose to. You intentionally read what interests you. You have the right to post information that is pertinent to you. You can steal images, quotes, quips, and notes... as long as you aren't claiming them as your own I see no law breaking going on. Do I need to ask Clinton's permission to say something about or geared towards him? Not even the papers do so... Maybe I'm over exaggerating, but you just don't mess with the net, sorry!

I also think that it is mean to say things behind peoples backs as well. Which I know this person is doing. You forget these people are my friends too.

I never have said anything I wouldn't and/or haven't said to your face, nor do I plan to. So you have nothing to worry about. As for people being your friends, that just proves to me time and time again (like I've said), that you are obviously cool... and worth getting to know better.

I don't think that it is fair to write stuff about people because they don't conform to your standards and that if you were a true Christian you wouldn't be doing any of it in the first place.

I've never said anything about you not conforming to my standards, I don't have very high standards, all I was talking about was how I was reacting to the situation being played out around me. I clearly don't know what you stand for, and have no place calling you on that.

But to call people ditzy and the rest of it when you don't even know them...well that is also uncalled for.

"Ditzy"?, did I say "ditzy"? I didn't think so!

If you were really the nice person you pretend to be to people's faces then maybe you would erase the stuff you wrote.

I've explained to her my reasoning for not erasing it. You see, that's something I promised myself I would never do: post something, then freak out and take it down. It clearly bothers me when other journalists do so, it's as if what you say and/or feel in that moment never existed. That, to me, is not the truth that is so vehemently the point of a journal. Do you go home one night after changing your mind on something and rip out the pages of your diary? No! You begin to write, and explain the process of change. That is what a journal is about. It's a document of your life and times. As you look back you see how you've grown and changed through the times. To deny that is a complete falsehood to one's self.

And I know that you are very two faced, merely because you write stuff like that one moment and are totally nice and stuff to their face the next moment.

Again, I never claimed to have a specific, directed problem towards her. However, I was frustrated with the situation and the results I was observing. I've always had a place in my heart for her, and I still hope to be able to get to know her better.

Which also perturbs me because I would not have known about the writing at all had it not be for me defending you and trying to figure out a way for "him" to go to whatever it was your grandpa and dad were doing. So yea, besides the fact that you don't know jack and you don't really try to get to know anyone beyond the surface, you should stop and think about the fact that yea, I kept defending you and was nice. Oh well. I'm sorry I told "him" to let you over and be nice while we were driving. I'm sorry I was telling him that it is mean to say one thing and do another and that he really needs to be much nicer to you. I'm sorry I tried to save you a trip and accommodate the fact that I was hungry and thought that you were going home. I'm also sorry that I now don't want to defend you anymore. And that I am very disappointed.

Though you may not believe it, I too am sorry. Sorry, you don't seem to understand that that was not meant to be personally pointed at you or your character. I'm sorry that I'm human and I have my moments of bickery anger. I'm sorry that you happened to be one of the people I chose to actually [virtually] vocalize about in that frustration. I'm sorry, this has turned into what it has. I'm sorry you felt you had to post this information on a site where you don't usually place such gripes. I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to get to know you better one on one. (All it takes is some real time. Let's have a meal, or just a beverage, sometime. Or maybe I could give you a ride sometime, that's at least 15 minutes, isn't it!?) I'm sorry I keep interrupting what you've written about me!

I hope you get over what ever it is that makes you so jealous or whatever of everyone else.

Me, too. I guess that just comes with the self-esteem I've always lacked.

And also the stuff you said about the way I dress. Well the only reason I am constantly running around in tank tops is because when I moved out of my mom's house it was summer and I didn't need regular shirts and since I haven't returned to my moms for any reason and I don't have enough money for a whole new wardrobe. I don't tend to own many non-tank top shirts. But thanks for bashing that too. I'm so glad you can say stuff without really knowing anything about anyone or their situation. The end of my ranting. My apologies if this bothers anyone but I had to get it off my chest and if I did it in person it wouldn't be very nice because no matter how much you think I am like you or how you were or your friends or whatever. You really don't know me and it is really unfair to judge me. I suppose that if you had just confronted me at the time and told me what was up then maybe I would have done something different.

There was nothing to say, I'm not one to tell you how you should or shouldn't behave. Which is exactly why I didn't say anything at the time, and chose to lash it out to an invisible world (at least that's what I thought at the time) like I do most anything else. I prefer to keep those bantering of my brain quiet, since they aren't usually a clear portrayal of my whole thinkings.

But oh well you weren't thinking that far ahead were you. Oh well, Your loss. Bye all, enjoy my page and don't worry this is the only thing like this.

So that's it: her lovely interpretation of the whole thing. I firmly believe she has a right to her representation, and I like what she wrote. Her passion runs through thick. That alone is admirable. The only alterations I made were the interruptions, and some spelling. (I just can't stand those little squiggly lines under the words!)

Well, I think I've filled this space adequately for today, especially after such a dry spell... so I best be on my way!