lily of the valley: 16/XI/99 - self-promoted queens

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(age: 21 years, 11 months, 21 days, 20 hours, 6 minutes)
[history: 2002... 1996... 1990... ]

Tuesday November 16, 1999

16/XI/99 - self-promoted queens

Last night was the Fall Sampler concert at the high school. With the Jazz Band, Men's Choir, Women's Choir, Chamber Singers, Concert Band, Wind Ensemble, and some excerpted songs from Most Happy Fella, it made for an entire evening as usually is the case.

I sat with Traci and Miranda and giggled as we watched Ed "dispense" of his spit every song at least twice. As a matter of fact, all the guys seemed to be abundant in the spit releasing department last night, it was gross yet amusing at the same time! My favorite part of concerts is always observing people and their faces as they sing. Ky's cheeks were twitching as he sang his Happy Fella solo: "Joey, Joey, Joey". Ed was in complete groove mode as he belted out a monotonous note in a hum while the rest of the choir made outrageous "mouth music". (Hey, if you've got a different part, fly with it!) Sarah Oates' whole body began to quiver towards the end of her Fella solo: "Oh My Feet" (according to her, that always happens when she does a solo). There's this one kid in men's choir that just cracks me up with his faces, I try hard not to watch him too carefully and get distracted. Then there's Ace who played the accordion for some "Mumbo Jumbo"ey song with the jazz band. Boy was that a kick. Ace with his straight face, and anyone else who looked at him too long would just burst out with a full fledged Cheshire cat grin.

The Jazz Band would have to be my favorite of all last night, with the exception of that "mouth music" song the Chamber Singers did. Somehow, Jazz Band never ceases to amaze me. Stig has integrated tons of instruments and you can tell that they're having fun when they play! I had a ball just watching them!

I remember those concerts when I was in school. Trying desperately to avoid any direct contact with Misty and Jessica "the self-pronounced music/drama department queens". Knowing full well that such contact would abolish any possibility of actually enjoying it. They had this amazing ability to make you feel little and totally stupid, when you were sure that you weren't. Whether they were completely oblivious about what they were pushing or not, they were right and that was it. Anyone who might have tried to help by correcting them was just asking to be exiled.

The most unfortunate part of that whole situation was that Stig held them on high pedestals. They got good (let me rephrase that: great) parts in all plays and musicals they tried out for, constant praise and attention, and worst of all they got away with treating him like crap and doing whatever pleased themselves. They whined and moaned until they got their way. Together they made a horridly manipulative team. I admit befriending them for a while, only to be dropped like stray cat they had gotten tired of.

In retrospect now, almost everyone I know has bad memories of this dynamic duo and their dutiful followers. Many, like myself, dropped out of choir because it wasn't worth the emotional distress they caused. I just pray that their lives away from Hood River have brought them to the realization of who and how they really were in high school. From what I hear, they aren't that close anymore... one noting that the other really doesn't care about them as much as projected. She's finally realized that she was just along for the constant personal boost she provided. How pathetic is that!?!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my high school years thoroughly. That was just one of those extreme sore spots for me. Music is and has always been an important part of my life. If you shuffle through old tapes at my parents house, you can find bits and pieces of me singing: either by myself or taping over parts of songs I knew on the actual tapes (What a devastating memory: My mother discovering the editing I'd done to my Annie tape. I'd already banged myself against the head after realizing myself the destruction I'd accomplished). When a small group of people showed up and tried to take that away from me I was hurt and confused. I lacked stance one, one might say, letting them get away with it. But at that point in one's life, there's only so much guff you can muster up against them. It was easier to sing my heart out in the shower and meanwhile quitely blend in with the rest of the choir.

I was even ready to do a solo once. For the spring, or winter, or something concert (it was late January or early February, after a long weekend) I was supposed to sing Tori Amos' "China". I was big on her Little Earthquakes album, Stig had turned me on to her. My actual preference was "Winter", but a senior had sang it earlier in the year (or maybe the year before). I was all ready and willing and Stig, himself, was also optimistic. Then I went to Contender's Winter Camp for the weekend... and lost my voice. It was totally and completely gone. I'd never felt so devastated in my life. I knew I had let Stig down (anyone who knows him knows that's not a good idea to do) and there was nothing I could do about it. He tried to have me sing anyway, but as soon as a sang a line for him he could tell that wasn't going to happen (I have this inate ability to lose total control of my vocal chords after any and every camp or church conference experience. I've yet to figure out if it's all the emotion and singing and lack of self nurture combined, spiritual warfare, or just dumb luck). Needless to say, from that point on I felt like I had no chance of ever again impressing Stig like I had hoped to that night!

Fortunately in my older age (oh wow, a whole five or six years later) I've come to see that my musical ability or lack thereof is not determined by Stig, or anyone else for that matter. God appreciates the music I make and/or replicate for Him and that's all that should matter to me. Besides, I'm still in contact with Steighner and I highly doubt he thinks of me as lowly as I'd determined in that moment of let-down.

Would you look at that?! I just pulled out long forgotten moments, hurts, excitiments, and more... with out ever even planning to. This is beginning to sound more and more like me... I like that!

journals i'm reading dave van

scribbled by manky @ 20:51:00

this has been a music to my ears, school days entry